When it comes to what to say and the actions to take in the bedroom, most of us guys think out logically what words to use and the step by step of the maneuvers we’re going to conduct.
In this post I’d like to challenge your approach of “what” to say and get you thinking more about “how” you say it. I’d like you to think about “how” you’re performing your actions, rather than “what” you are actually doing. I’m talking about all the meaning you communicate NON-VERBALLY during sexual activity. I call this Sexual Sub-Communication, and it can transform the context of your entire erotic interaction.
To understand what I’m talking about, let’s take a brief look at human communication. Whether you are talking in front of a group, approaching a pretty girl at the bar, or dropping some hardcore dirty talk during sex, there is much more to be considered than what words to say. In fact, words only represent 7% of what is actually communicated during an interaction.
Instead we should understand that Voice Quality (or Vocal Queues) represent 38% of what gets communicated. This means the rate, pitch, volume, and speaking style, as well as rhythm or stresses projected while speaking. In addition Physiology represents 55% of how we feel in the moment, and it’s communicated in our body language, gestures, touch, facial expression, and eye contact.
In other words 93% of what we communicate to others is non-verbal. That means what you say or do is not nearly as important as HOW you say or do it.
Your mind (and yes her’s too) is trained to look for incongruences, which is when someone’s voice, words, and body don’t match up. Your brain is unconsciously scanning and processing far more sub-communication input than your conscious mind could ever process. This allows the unconscious mind to filter only the important information and bring it forward as feelings to the conscious mind.
Here’s an illustration: Let’s say you’re using dirty talk during sex and you are uncomfortable about doing it, it’s going to get conveyed to her through shakiness in your voice, and uncomfortable body language. Her mind is NOT going to think logically “I notice a pitch change in his voice that sounds uncomfortable, plus his body language is caved in”. Instead she’s simply going to FEEL your discomfort, thus your attempt at opening her wild side via dirty talk might fail, not because of the words you use, but rather because of how she FELT by the way you said them.
This illustration stresses the importance of being authentic in how you communicate. For instance, “Safety” is extremely important for women in a sexual scenario. In fact a woman must trust and respect you and feel safe letting go in order to give in and experience a full body orgasm. She can FEEL safe with you simply from how you speak to her with certainty, and unapologetically lead her with your actions.
In addition to feeling safe, she wants to feel “desired”. She wants to feel certain that you truly desire and want her. You could tell her this with words, but that’s only 7% of authentically communicating this to her. It’s HOW you convey this to her that will make her FEEL sexy and desired. She will feel like the most beautiful woman on earth in the moments she’s certain that she’s wanted by the man that she desires.
Here’s a few guidelines for Powerful Sexual Sub-Communication:
1. Strong vocal projection – launch your words with authority. Powerful vocal projection shows confidence, leadership, and dominance.
2. Slow down your speech – slowing down your rate of speech can convey sexiness and desire. It can also trim out any nervous sub-communication.
3. Hold eye contact – get and hold eye contact to show her that you are there with her in that moment. A lot can be communicated in these moments without even saying a word.
4. Flirtatious facial gestures – Smile once in a while, don’t be so serious. Raise your eyebrow to challenge her thinking. Give her a teasing frown. When she tells you how good you are at “sucking” her clit, answer with a wink and show her your devilish smile.
5. Be unapologetic with your actions – hesitating sub-communicates uncertainty about yourself. This is particularly important when you are performing “techniques” to give her pleasure. Go at it with certainty, and if you feel uncertain then “fake it till you make it”, so when she cums with you inside of her and soaks the sheets you can act like you knew it would happen all along.
Most sexual relationships start with flirting, which is just an early form of Sexual Sub-Communication. When you flirt with a woman you are setting a sexual tone to the conversation so she knows you want her without actually saying it. The same is true even during the act of sex itself. How you interact with her sub-communicates feeling. She wants to feel Safe, Desired, Excited, Sexy, and certain that she’s with a man who won’t judge her when she lets out her inner sexual being.
P.S. For all the single guys who want to understand how to sub-communicate attraction to women, you should watch this “Goldfish” video from my buddy Josh P.